Family law court orders will often include language like “parents
will discuss” or “parents will agree on.” Family Court law court judges expect
and anticipate that separated parents will discuss matters involving the
children civilly and rationally. And the vast majority of people do this. Maybe
not every single time. But enough that they do not have to go to court for
every issue involving the children or money.
But what if your ex refuses to discuss issues in a civil
matter?
My 20 years of experience in representing mothers and
fathers in divorce and paternity cases is that these conversations sometimes go
like this:
Parent A: I want to buy a unicorn for the children.
Parent B: That's a good idea. Let me think about it.
Parent A: You don't have to think about it. I've thought
about it and it's a good idea.
Parent B: I just need some time to think about it and budget
for it.
Parent A: You can afford it. Why are you trying to hurt your
children like you always do?
And the argument begins ...
Or the conversation runs like this:
Parent A: I want to take the kids to Happy Expensive World
with my parents. I will send you what your share is.
Parent B: We have not discussed this and I can't afford it.
I'm not paying anything.
Parent A: Well if you can't afford Happy Expensive World,
what do you suggest?
Parent B: I suggest nothing. How about that?
Parent A: A vacation for the children is a good idea. How
much are you willing to contribute to that?
Parent B: A vacation maybe a good idea but I can't afford
it.
Parent A: We're not discussing your finances. We're
discussing vacation for the children.
Parent B: My finances are none of your business.
Parent A: well if you would stop wasting your money...
And the argument begins ...
These couples usually wind up in court.
Each parent expects the judge to tell the other parent why
he or she is right.
The judge, however, has no desire to interfere in their
communications. The judge’s interest is in whether the order is being followed.
When the judge sees a communication problem as demonstrated
above, the judge will usually take steps to try to improve the communication
process. This can include a Parenting Coordinator, communication therapy,
classes, etc.
These cost both parents money. They have little chance of
success unless both parents are committed to changing how they communicate. The
judge now has the impression of two dickering parents as opposed to parents
with legitimate disagreements.
So how do you communicate with the angry parent? Here are
three tips that may help you. These tips are not guaranteed to make the
communication easier. These are suggestions that may make it easier. They are
also quite frankly suggestions that support your case if you have to go to
family law court.
- Have the communication in writing. There are hundreds
of books on how to write these communications well. Most of them boil down to:
state the issue clearly; state your position with as few adjectives as
possible; state the other side’s position as clearly as possible with as few
adjectives as possible.
- Stay on topic. Whenever the other parent responds with
something not relevant to the issue being discussed, ignore it. Look at the
part of the response that is on topic and respond to that and to that only. You
can send include a reference that you will respond to any other issues that
were brought up in a separate line of communication.
- Never respond emotionally. Emails and letters written
in the heat of emotion almost always include angry or insulting language about
the other parent. These emails and letters almost always find their way in
front of the judge. Because judges expect people to communicate about their
orders civilly, any indication that one of the parents is not communicating
civilly may influence the judge that that parent is the problem. If you feel
the need to vent your anger or point out all of the flaws in your ex,
especially using very profane additives, then go ahead and write that letter or
email but do not send it for 24 hours. Then go back, edit it, and edit out
anything that looks insulting, has profanity, or is not relevant to the
discussion, and then look at it again. Send it only when it is something that a
judge would look at and think highly of you.
If you and your ex do have communication problems or cannot
agree on how to execute an order of the court, a strategic meeting with a
family law lawyer may be very beneficial. I have 20 years’ experience in
advising parents in divorce and family law cases. I am also certified as a life
coach so my strategic review can include advice on methods to avoid litigation
as well as developing a strategic plan for the most efficient litigation, both
of these to accomplish your overall goals. To schedule an initial strategic
review, please use my
CONTACT page and I will respond to you personally in 24
hours.
