Hamilton County Family Lawyer: How To Talk With An Angry Co-Parent

Family law court orders will often include language like “parents will discuss” or “parents will agree on.” Family Court law court judges expect and anticipate that separated parents will discuss matters involving the children civilly and rationally. And the vast majority of people do this. Maybe not every single time. But enough that they do not have to go to court for every issue involving the children or money.

But what if your ex refuses to discuss issues in a civil matter?

My 20 years of experience in representing mothers and fathers in divorce and paternity cases is that these conversations sometimes go like this:

Parent A: I want to buy a unicorn for the children.

Parent B: That's a good idea. Let me think about it.

Parent A: You don't have to think about it. I've thought about it and it's a good idea.

Parent B: I just need some time to think about it and budget for it.

Parent A: You can afford it. Why are you trying to hurt your children like you always do?

And the argument begins ...

Or the conversation runs like this:

Parent A: I want to take the kids to Happy Expensive World with my parents. I will send you what your share is.

Parent B: We have not discussed this and I can't afford it. I'm not paying anything.

Parent A: Well if you can't afford Happy Expensive World, what do you suggest?

Parent B: I suggest nothing. How about that?

Parent A: A vacation for the children is a good idea. How much are you willing to contribute to that?

Parent B: A vacation maybe a good idea but I can't afford it.

Parent A: We're not discussing your finances. We're discussing vacation for the children.

Parent B: My finances are none of your business.

Parent A: well if you would stop wasting your money...

And the argument begins ...

These couples usually wind up in court.

Each parent expects the judge to tell the other parent why he or she is right.

The judge, however, has no desire to interfere in their communications. The judge’s interest is in whether the order is being followed.

When the judge sees a communication problem as demonstrated above, the judge will usually take steps to try to improve the communication process. This can include a Parenting Coordinator, communication therapy, classes, etc.

These cost both parents money. They have little chance of success unless both parents are committed to changing how they communicate. The judge now has the impression of two dickering parents as opposed to parents with legitimate disagreements.

So how do you communicate with the angry parent? Here are three tips that may help you. These tips are not guaranteed to make the communication easier. These are suggestions that may make it easier. They are also quite frankly suggestions that support your case if you have to go to family law court.

1. Have the communication in writing. There are hundreds of books on how to write these communications well. Most of them boil down to: state the issue clearly; state your position with as few adjectives as possible; state the other side’s position as clearly as possible with as few adjectives as possible.
2. Stay on topic. Whenever the other parent responds with something not relevant to the issue being discussed, ignore it. Look at the part of the response that is on topic and respond to that and to that only. You can send include a reference that you will respond to any other issues that were brought up in a separate line of communication.
3. Never respond emotionally. Emails and letters written in the heat of emotion almost always include angry or insulting language about the other parent. These emails and letters almost always find their way in front of the judge. Because judges expect people to communicate about their orders civilly, any indication that one of the parents is not communicating civilly may influence the judge that that parent is the problem. If you feel the need to vent your anger or point out all of the flaws in your ex, especially using very profane additives, then go ahead and write that letter or email but do not send it for 24 hours. Then go back, edit it, and edit out anything that looks insulting, has profanity, or is not relevant to the discussion, and then look at it again. Send it only when it is something that a judge would look at and think highly of you.

If you and your ex do have communication problems or cannot agree on how to execute an order of the court, a strategic meeting with a family law lawyer may be very beneficial. I have 20 years’ experience in advising parents in divorce and family law cases. I am also certified as a life coach so my strategic review can include advice on methods to avoid litigation as well as developing a strategic plan for the most efficient litigation, both of these to accomplish your overall goals. To schedule an initial strategic review, please use my CONTACT page and I will respond to you personally in 24 hours.